Babylon A.D. is a film branded as “pure violence and stupidity” by even its own director, Mathieu Kassovitz, who further resolves that “parts of the movie are like a bad episode of ‘24’”. Whilst Kassovitz’s claims that Fox seized much of his creative and directorial control would surprise few, Babylon A.D. is still a sloppily directed and poorly acted film from every angle.

It is incredibly unfortunate for all involved that the film is so ill-conceived when noting the considerable promise at hand – fans of action heavyweight Vin Diesel have no doubt been chomping at the bit to witness his return to the realm of explosions and effects extravaganzas, since his last (albeit mediocre) effort to that effect, in The Chronicles of Riddick. As far as high-concept fare goes, the setup is at least passable, finding mercenary Toorop (Diesel) transporting a mysterious woman named Aurora (Mélanie Thierry) from Eastern Europe to New York.

Unfortunately, the film delivers little outside of this one-sentence premise. The performances from start to finish are stale and entirely lacking in zest, perhaps no more than from Diesel, who despite usually delivering a brand of fairly likeable charisma, simply coasts through the material here, casually chewing the dialogue too frequently thrown his way. Kassovitz brings along fellow Frenchman Gerard Depardieu for the ride, yet despite his usually agreeable stylings, Depardieu is as sigh-inducing as his American counterparts, failing to escape the trappings of the film’s melodramatic script. Barely leading the pack is Michelle Yeoh who, in spite of the litany of clichés leveled in front of her morally ambiguous nun character, barely manages to keep above surface, as is more than can be said for the rest of the cast.

Even as standard action fare, Babylon A.D. fails to deliver any sort of visceral thrills – curiously devoid of much kinetic activity for its first 40 minutes, things finally kick off in a Russian club, whereby Toorop finds himself battling a musclebound behemoth inside a cage. However, the scene ends on an unintentionally hilarious note that entirely undermines the preceding action, and makes it difficult to take Diesel’s character as anything more than a hench buffoon. This scene is also the greatest indictment of helmer Kassovitz who, whilst welcome to attack scripting issues, has little to defend against his sloppy direction, made incomprehensible and disorientating by overly-frenetic camera movement.

Even if you are able to buy into the fact that Toorop turns down $1m to walk away from his mission, the film’s threadbare plot is shamelessly protracted by cheesy instances of faux-drama and shoddily conceived action scenes. Kassovitz mentions that parts of the film are like a bad episode of 24, yet this film is twice as long, and much more excruciating to sit through.

The film’s unintentional humour and ridiculous product placement (such as a large “Coke Zero” stamp on a plane) may tide viewers over to a degree, but they do little to rescind the film’s inherently dismal quality. The final act of Babylon A.D. provides a certain change of pace, and whilst it offers an occasional dash of visual flair and a few surprises (welcome or not), the film remains bogged down by the aforementioned misgivings, and never amounts to the sum of its parts. In the film’s final thirty minutes, Kassovitz opens several new narrative strands, yet never delivers a satisfying or coherent payoff, instead leaving viewers confused and alienated. It makes one curious as to whether the supposed 15-minutes excised by Fox would remedy several of these inconsistencies, yet Babylon A.D. is still an irredeemably broken film in any regard.

Babylon A.D. arrives at its ending with break-neck pace, its final scene taking the viewer on a perilously reminiscent trip back to Diesel’s work on The Pacifier. Moreover, there is no sense of equilibrium or disequilibrium in the film’s conclusion – it appears to say that good has succeeded, yet never resolves the quandary of the main antagonist, nor presents a sense of impending dread that would leave the story open-ended. Needless to say, it is sloppy, and does not work at all.

Regardless of who is in fact at fault, Babylon A.D. is an overblown misfire which provides little of value beyond its accidental chuckles and occasional moments of technical prowess. Any film in which Michelle Yeoh is “best of show” is evidently performance-impaired, and for all of the chances that Diesel has to really sink his teeth into this role, he instead resembles someone who has not slept for several weeks. Given the grand scale of Kassovitz’s dream project and the intriguing storyline, Babylon A.D. is a hollow and banal disappointment.